


heaven in your eyes

by jasondean



Category: Spring Awakening - Sheik/Sater
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, M/M, Religion, Romance, and everything is in america bc im lazy :-), gay validation lmfao, theres some quick mentions of other characters and stuff
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-07
Updated: 2018-01-07
Packaged: 2019-03-01 14:38:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,186
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13296981
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jasondean/pseuds/jasondean
Summary: ernst is the son of a homophobic preacher who he really loves but whos teachings he really begins to doubt once a certain blond pretty boy comes into his life.





	heaven in your eyes

_fuck._

ernst looks over at hanschen. his eyes are on the outlook in front of them, the entire city below. lights are blurring together, buildings are obscured by clouds and fog and darkness, everything looks like its right out of a movie set and not like the streets they roam every day. hanschen does not look back and it makes his heart race even more.

_so, i guess this is real._

hanschen blinks and swallows hard. ernst can see his adams apple bob as he does so. his hands squeeze the drivers wheel. he finally lets go and turns to ernst, opens his mouth to say something. something - he decides against it. his lips close. hes hard to see in the vague glow from the cars headlights and the city below, but ernst can still sort of make out every detail of his face, or his brain fills in the blanks. 

_do i pray?_

hanschen looks back over the outlook. ernst allows himself to finally take his gaze off of him again. he thought there would be a sinking in his stomach, but he can only feel his heart race. hear his pulse pound. feel his blood all throughout his body, carrying oxygen to his spinning head.

_what the fuck do i even pray for?_

"you dont want to hear this," hanschen prefaces. ernst looks back at him again. he looks like he might cry. when was the last time anyone saw hanschen cry?

_do i say im sorry?_

"maybe i do." ernst shrugs. he feels so god damn nervous it has to be written all over his face but maybe if he plays it cool everything else will follow.

_im sorry whoevers listening. i wish he was kissing me. im sorry that i wish he was laughing because of something i said, im sorry that i wish his hand was on my thigh and his eyes were on mine and he that he had a smile on his face - im sorry i love his smile, i love his face. really love his face. he has the prettiest eyes ive ever seen. did you know he has the longest eyelashes ever? why am i sorry again?_

"i really like you, ernst," he sighs. its heavy, not the breathy, dismissive sort ernst is used to. "im sorry. im really sorry. i know you arent gay, and its stupid of me to even tell you this because i  _mean_ it. i like you. youre a good person, like the first actual good fucking person ive met. and i dont want to just stop talking to you, but you also need to know. i need to  _say_ it before it just eats me alive." he glances down at ernsts hands. he can see hes considering taking them in his own, like if he grabs onto him he can make him stay. 

"are you afraid?" asks ernst.

"what? yes, i am," he says. he sounds unsure. he doesnt know what ernsts game is.

ernst laughs. hanschen visibly flinches and it immediately makes him feel guilty. "im sorry. i just didnt think you were the type to get scared."

"im  _not_. this is just different. i dont want you to..." he trails off. 

"dont want me to what?" ernst repeats, curious. everyone at school knows hanschen isnt straight, because hanschen has never been particularly shy about that part of him. if anyone were to give him shit for it, he would probably have no issue dealing with it, but no one has ever given him any trouble in the first place. there are a lot of other reasons to loathe hanschen, honestly. his off-putting nihilism and his cynical sense of humor for starters are enough to turn people off from him. ernst likes both. he wishes he saw the world like hanschen sometimes. hanschen doesnt get bruised like he does.

"go away," hanschen manages. 

_hes so lovely when hes vulnerable. kiss me. i need it. go on._

"im not going to go away, hanschen," he assures him. "hans, who do you think i am, exactly?"

"i dont know. ive gotten to know a very different person than from what everyone told me." ernsts cheeks flush. so they  _do_ talk about him like they do hanschen. granted, definitely for completely different reasons. "i know who your parents are," he says, choosing his words carefully. "i know your dad had a sermon when martha brought anna to prom. i know you havent had me over at your house for a reason." he clears his throat. "why keep me around? i know how your life is. how your beliefs are. theyre different from mine."

ernst softens. he doesnt know how to even begin to explain how everythings changed for him since the prom. how the uncertainty began way before, and how hed willingly ignored it and pushed it away. how hard it was to finally start looking for answers for himself.

last april, martha and anna had been crowned prom royalty, the first acknowledgment from the school ever that anything gay existed. before that, ernst was alone after his date, beautiful wendla bergmann, had grown tired of idle chatter and constant trips to the punch bowl and instead elected to dance. ernst gave her his blessing. theyd known each other for so long that it was a little hard to watch her walk away so easily - but he felt relieved the moment she left. 

hanschen approached. he asked him to dance. ernst blushed and fumbled and tried to explain he wasnt - he didnt - and hanschen laughed. im not asking you out, dummy. im asking you to dance because you look lonely. you dont have to be gay to have some fun. oh, come on, its prom. dance with me, ernst. just let go. they danced and then a slow song came on and ernst got all red in the face and hanschen said we dont have to stay here, lets just ditch and get some in n out. ernst said yeah, i love in n out. hanschen said of course you love in n out youre in california now lets get the fuck out of here. 

theres a lot you can learn about someone over french fries and burgers. hanschen wasnt some sleazy predator. ernst wasnt a god praising bigot. they were both two normal boys, and very compatible ones at that. 

_how can it have been a fucking year already? and we havent done anything. i feel like i know him inside out, why doesnt he get the same with me? have i been doing it wrong? look at me. look at me, i want you. ive wanted you since that day we ditched chemistry. we meant to go get coffee but you parked in the starbucks parking lot and we ended up talking hours. when we actually did go in i didnt have enough cash on me for anything so you paid for my order and you even paid for a venti. i asked you why. you said you liked me. you said i was interesting. i never thought anyone was listening before i met you._

"i like you," ernst says now. he smiles. hanschen does not. he understands ernst less and less. he doesnt understand why he hasnt yet gotten out of his ugly volkswagen and ran home yet. "thats why i keep you around."

"so you dont mind?" hanschen asks.

"dont mind what? that youre bi?"

"no, that i have a crush on you." hanschens fingers move to his lips, as if he regrets what he just said. hes told ernst before how stupid he thinks the concept of crushes is. he hasnt ever experienced liking someone before getting with them. why bother dreaming of how someone is before you really know? its setting yourself up for disappointment. dont dwell on the fantasy, he said, if you find someone attractive, let them know.

"ive been praying," ernst says. hanschens reaction is to that of someone whos just bit into a lemon expecting an orange. 

"oh my fucking god. do  _not_ tell me i can pray the gay away and convert or some shit because then i am legally obligated to punch you."

ernst rolls his eyes. "ive been praying," he starts again. "ive been asking a lot about whether or not its wrong to be gay. or bi. or whatever."

"lgbt?" hanschen offers.

"yeah, if its okay to be lgbtqia lmnop." hanschen does not seem particularly amused by this joke. "anyway, i mean... i didnt get any answers."

"of course you didnt - im sorry, that was mean."

ernst takes hanschens hands in his. hanschen looks down at their linked hands and then back up at him. 

"i just know i dont feel bad about it. i dont feel bad about loving other boys. loving you." ernst brings one of hanschens hands up over his chest. "you can touch me," he adds. hanschen rests his hand on his chest when ernsts lets go of it. he feels his heart, pounding hard and fast. he can feel the excitement, the adrenaline, the joy which he couldnt have ever predicted. 

"you said you werent gay," hanschen says.

"we all thought we were straight once."

hanschens hand drops from ernsts chest to his thigh. he goes to move it, but ernst grabs his hand, keeps it there. 

"are you okay?" hanschen asks.

"what?"

"i mean... your parents. your dad. that has to be hard."

ernst swallows, glancing away for a second. "yeah, im trying not to think so much about that. but i think itll all be okay. and if it isnt, well, then however things end up, theyre going to be like that for a reason, you know. ill figure it out."

"im sorry," hanschen says. his eyes are still on where he touches ernst, so ernst moves his hand over top. his thumb rubs the back of his hand. he only now feels his own leg bouncing up and down.

_let him kiss me. now. now. ive been waiting for so long. this is insane._

a"you can touch me," he repeats. 

_fuck. let him touch me everywhere. this is overdue. why arent we making up for lost time. now._

ernst sighs. "you dumbass. i want you." he grabs hanschens shirt and pulls him over the console, kissing him. he doesnt move at all at first, which makes ernst briefly panic, but then it seems the life comes back to his body. he squeezes ernsts thigh, then moves an arm to ernsts back, sort of holding him. the console between them makes everything awkward but neither of them really care asides from the fact that it prevents them from being closer. ernst finally unbuckles their seatbelts and hanschen climbs over. they both laugh when he bangs his knee, even though it actually really really hurts.

hanschen sits on ernsts lap and kisses him, this time with the sort of fire ernst had been anticipating. his lips feel so right against his, his entire body so warm and alive. he pulls away. "say that again," he says.

"i want you." hanschen smiles all goofy. "i want you to kiss me now," ernst adds, and hanschen obeys. any doubt has been erased. he finally knows hes right - this isnt some sort of wedge between himself and his faith. this is so much of himself, so it is so much of his faith. he wonders if its a boner killer to say hes feeling gods presence right now. because this is very much the closest hes got to heaven on earth.

_thank you, thank you, thank you so much. hes right. im right. oh god, this is so right._

hanschen pulls away and their foreheads rest against on another. hes still within kissing distance, thankfully. the moment he gets too far, ernst is afraid everything will crumble. nothings crumbling yet, not if he can help it, dammit. 

"why didnt you do this sooner?" ernst demands.

"i was afraid." hanschen laughs. ernst laughs.

"i want you to kiss me until i cant feel my fucking lips. and then do it some more. because  _seriously_ ive been waiting and ive been robbed from  _so_ much kissing." he pokes hanschens stomach, playing off annoyance. "and id tell you to not stop there but youve always told me not to have sex on the first date."

hanschen kisses him again. "we are not having sex in my car because first of all, thats gross, second of all, my legs are already cramping, and third of all, you deserve a dinner and a bed and rose petals and candles. the whole shebang."

" _okay_ , _okay_ ," ernst grumbles, though he doesnt look too bothered at all. "i guess ill just have to kiss this dumb boy in his dumb car and be okay with it."

"i mean, its pretty late. maybe i should drive you home."

"maybe you should shut the fuck up." ernst kisses him again. hanschen laughs. "you owe me," he says against hanschens lips.

"yes, i know, i know, i heard you the first hundred times."

"just making sure."

 

**Author's Note:**

> im sorry i havent written in a long time i just didnt want to and was instead really focusing on roleplaying LOL im probably going to think this is shit in hte morning its like 2 am )-: im also so sorry this doesnt have any capitalization or apostrophes my fuckin bad


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